Harry's Darkest Secret
by DauntlessErudite29
Summary: Harry has a secret that no one knows about except his two best friends Ron and Hermione: he is in love with his former professor, Remus Lupin. Harry goes to stay with the Weasleys over Christmas break and so does Lupin, but so does someone else who Harry thinks Lupin likes. Jealousy follows and will Harry be able to keep his secret? Harry/Lupin SLASH.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Harry's Darkest Secret**

**Summary: Harry has a secret that no one knows about except his two best friends Ron and Hermione: he is in love with his former professor, Remus Lupin. Harry goes to stay with the Weasleys over Christmas break and so does Lupin, but so does someone else who Harry thinks Lupin likes. Jealousy follows and will Harry be able to keep his secret? **

**Rated: T **

**Pairing(s): Harry/Lupin, Ron/Hermione **

**Genre(s): Romance, Friendship, Drama, Family **

**Warning(s): Some angst **

* * *

_Day 1 _

Harry was so excited.

Two more hours until he got to see his favorite professor from last year, Professor Lupin. At the end of his third year of Hogwarts, the fact that Lupin was a werewolf had gotten out and the whole school knew, so the poor man had resigned.

One more hour.

Harry spent this hour thinking about Lupin; he was staying at the Weasleys' house with them over Christmas break. Sadly, he knew he didn't have Lupin to himself, but at least he would be there. And surely he and Harry would bond even more. Ever since the dementor-on-the-train incident, Harry had kept secret his huge crush on Lupin. The only people who knew were Ron and Hermione, his two best friends. All summer, their letters had been begging Harry to write Lupin and tell him how he felt, but Harry refused. He wouldn't ruin what he and Lupin already had, because although it wasn't exactly what he wanted, Lupin's friendship was special to him.

When Harry arrived at the Weasleys' by Floo powder - the second the Dursleys had gone shopping for the holidays, and left Harry behind - everyone gasped in delight and took turns hugging him. Mrs. Weasley engulfed him in a bone-crushing hug, but he was glad to see her. When he finally got to Professor Lupin, the man was smiling warmly at him with the same smile that Harry fell in love with. He felt a sharp pang as he realized just how much he'd missed his former teacher.

"Oh...Professor Lupin." A lump formed in Harry's throat and he hugged the man tightly. "I missed you so much!"

Lupin held Harry close. "I missed you, too, Harry."

Harry pulled back and grinned fondly at the man. "Dinner's in an hour," said Mrs. Weasley. "Remus, dear, I made you your favorite."

"Thank you, Molly." Lupin's hand rested on Harry's shoulder.

"Harry, want to play wizard's chess?" Fred and George asked him.

Harry looked at Lupin. "Actually...I'd kind of like to talk to Professor Lupin for a while," he said. "I'll play later, though, all right?"

"Need to talk to me about something?" Lupin's knowing look scared him a bit, and Harry prayed that Lupin didn't know anything about his feelings for him.

"I - I think so, sir." Harry swallowed nervously.

"Harry, you know you can call me Remus." Lupin smiled warmly and Harry almost melted. "Shall we go take a walk?"

Harry nodded before he could talk himself out of it, and he followed Lupin outside, buttoning his coat and wrapping his Gryffindor scarf around his neck.

* * *

After walking for a while in silence, Lupin asked, "So, Harry, what did you want to tell me?"

"I..." Here it came. It was now or never.

And Harry chose never.

"I can't," Harry said. "Remus, I can't tell you, I'm sorry."

Lupin looked worried. "Harry, if it's something serious - and I can tell that it is by how nervous you look - you can tell me. You can tell me anything."

"Thanks, but you would never understand." Harry tried to hold in his tears. _He'll never love you, he's way too old for you, he'd be disgusted_, he told himself.

Lupin looked at him questioningly. "I doubt that very much, Harry," he said. "Why do you say that?"

"Because you've never been in the same position I am," answered Harry.

"Are you sure."

"Very sure."

Lupin sighed. "All right, I'll leave it then." He watched Harry with a gentle look. "But if you ever want to tell me, know that you are always welcome to, no matter what it is. I won't judge." He smiled.

Harry smiled back. "Thanks, Remus."

And then Lupin did something that surprised him. He pulled the younger Gryffindor into a tight, warm hug. "Our hug earlier wasn't nearly long enough," the man said, and Harry, too stunned to reply, snuggled into Lupin's jacket, warm despite the snowy holiday weather. "I meant what I said earlier, Remus."

"And what's that?"

"I missed you."

* * *

Dinner was just being put on the table when Harry and Lupin got back. "Oh, good, you're here," said Mrs. Weasley. "I saved you two seats at the end over there." Harry and Lupin sat down beside each other. The meal was delicious and Harry could tell why it was Lupin's favorite. "I'm so glad you could come spend Christmas with us, Harry."

"Thank you for having me, Mrs. Weasley," Harry replied, grinning happily. He wondered if the Dursleys were back from Christmas shopping yet. Surely they were. Not that Harry cared.

That was when, under the table, Harry felt Lupin's fingers sliding in between his own. He gasped silently as Lupin squeezed his hand and then Harry squeezed back.

Lupin was holding his hand.

Harry wanted so badly to tell Ron and Hermione, who were sitting right next to him, but he knew it would have to wait until after dinner.

"I don't know what to do, Ron," Harry said that night as he and Ron lay in bed with the lights out. "I just love him so much. I totally wimped out tonight - you should've seen it. It was pathetic." And then he remembered dinner. "But he did hold my hand at dinner tonight."

"Bloody hell, Harry," Ron said, "that's great. And it's not pathetic. You know how I feel about Hermione."

"Love sucks," Harry concluded.

"So true," Ron agreed. Harry was glad he had his best friend to talk to.

* * *

_Day 2 _

"Harry, wake up!" Harry woke up to Ron shaking him frantically. "It's snowing like crazy out there!"

It was true, Harry saw as he looked out the window. Last night there had only been a few inches but now there was a thick blanket of snow on the ground, and it was still coming down hard. "Let's go wake up Hermione!"

Grinning, Harry followed Ron out of bed. "I'm gonna go wake up Remus."

"Okay."

Ron went to knock on the girls' door while Harry went to Lupin's room and knocked. "Remus, wake up! It's snowing!"

Lupin opened the door a moment later, wearing gray pajamas. His hair was messy but not like Harry's, it looked attractive on Lupin. "Good morning, Harry," he said, smiling.

"Morning," said Harry. "Want to come outside with me and Ron and Hermione?"

"And Ginny," Ron said.

"Not Ginny," Ginny argued, trying to go back to sleep, but Ron wouldn't let her.

Lupin laughed and the sound lifted Harry's heart. "Ron, let your sister sleep," he said, chuckling.

"You people aren't any fun," Ron declared before going downstairs. Harry, Hermione, and Lupin followed him.

They spent the morning in the snow, laughing and joking around. At one point they had a huge snowball fight, which the girls won. When they went back inside for hot chocolate around noon, they stopped in their tracks. Because a man with shoulder length black hair and a smile on his face was standing beside Mrs. Weasley.

Harry gaped at his godfather. "_Sirius?_"

* * *

**AN: Hahaha cliffhanger! Let me know what you thought in a review please :) Updates soon **


	2. Chapter 2

Harry ran into his godfather's arms, hugging him tightly. "Sirius, what are you doing here?" he gasped, his face buried in Sirius's chest.

"I was hiding but I had to see you," Sirius said. "How are you?"

Harry pulled back from the hug, Sirius' hands on his shoulders. "How am I?" he asked, incredulous. "I'm fine. How - how could you get here? I thought you were hiding."

"I was," Sirius admitted. "But I wanted to see you so badly."

Harry's heart filled with love. He smiled and hugged Sirius again. When he pulled back, Sirius hugged Lupin tightly. "I missed you, Moony," Sirius whispered in Lupin's ear.

"Missed you, too, Padfoot."

Harry felt a pang as he realized how far back Lupin and Sirius went - way more than Lupin and himself. Though he knew Lupin cared about him, it was probably nothing compared to the bond between him and Sirius. He wondered if the two had ever been more than friends and if they still felt that way about each other now.

_No_, Harry told himself. _Not my business_.

Lupin and Sirius went into the living room to talk while Harry and his friends went back outside. Hermione and Harry hung back a little as she said, "Sirius and Remus seemed really happy to see each other."

"Yeah," Harry muttered, kicking at a pile of snow.

"Listen, Harry, I really think you need to tell Remus how you feel. He told you you could tell him anything, right?"

"Well, I don't think Remus was expecting something like this when he told me that," Harry pointed out.

"Oh, come on Harry, I'm sure he'll be flattered, at the very least," Hermione said. "Remus doesn't really come across as homophobic, at least to me."

"Maybe not, but he'd certainly be disgusted. He's the same age as my father would have been!" Harry exclaimed.

"Harry, Remus is one of the nicest guys ever. He won't be disgusted, trust me. But if it really bothers you to tell him, do you want me to?"

Harry thought about that. Maybe that would be better. "I would like that, but at the same time I want him to hear it from me."

"Write him a letter," Hermione suggested.

"That's not a bad idea," Harry agreed. "He'd technically hear it from me but I wouldn't have to be there to see his reaction. Which might be best."

Hermione sighed.

* * *

After they went back inside again, Harry sat in his bed in Ron's room with a quill and paper, trying to write a letter for Lupin. In most of his past experiences, whenever he was writing something, the first sentence were always the hardest. He had tried to start several times but ended up throwing away the paper and getting a new one.

_Dear Remus_, he wrote for what felt like the billionth time. _I don't really know how to say this, and there is really no easy way to say these things._ Yes, that was good. Good start. _This is the fourth time I've tried to start writing this so I'm just going to come out and say it. I love you. Like that. I'm head over heels in love with you and it's scaring me and I can't stop loving you no matter how hard I've tried. I loved you ever since I met you, when you saved me from the Dementor on the train. You were the best teacher I ever had and you were so nice to me. Everyone was laughing about Snape in Neville's clothes for months, and it broke my heart to see you resign. I don't care that you're a werewolf, I don't care about your age, you're the most beautiful person I've ever met. I know you don't return my feelings and it's okay, I've accepted that. I just hate lying to you and I want you to know how I feel, even though I'm so scared that you'll be disgusted and I'll ruin what we already have. I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to tell you in person. Harry _

Harry folded the letter and took a deep, nervous breath. Now all he had to do was get the courage to give it to Lupin. Bracing himself, he went to Lupin's door and knocked. When he didn't answer, Harry cracked open the door and went in, leaving the folded piece of paper in the middle of the bed where he was fairly sure Lupin wouldn't miss it, and then he left.

Downstairs, everyone was playing Truth or Dare. When Sirius saw him, he smiled and said, "Oh, good, you're here. You can help me get Moony here out of the game."

"Hey, I wouldn't be so sure about that," Lupin laughed. "I was always good at this game."

"Yeah, but your wimpiness cost you every time."

"I am not a wimp! I don't recall it being _you_ who snuck into Snape's dorm room and put green hair dye in his conditioner."

Everyone burst out laughing at that. "Seriously?" Harry said. "Remus, you'll have to teach me some of your best pranks."

"Gladly," Lupin said, smirking at Sirius. "See, _someone_ appreciates my talent."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I came up with it."

"But I pulled it off," countered Lupin. Sirius just waved his hand dismissively.

"Okay then," George said. "If you're so brave-"

"-then we dare you to kiss Sirius," Fred finished with a grin.

Harry's heart sank as he looked at Lupin and Sirius. Lupin's eyes widened but he seemed to shrug it off and he said calmly, "All right." He turned to Sirius, and Harry could feel the awkwardness from the other side of the room. Lupin leaned in and pressed his lips against Sirius', which earned a lot of cheering from Fred, George, and Ron. Hermione just looked at Harry, her eyes full of sympathy as Lupin and Sirius' kiss deepened. Harry angrily wiped his eyes, which were filling with tears. Lupin didn't have to rub it in his face.

_That's not fair_, part of Harry said._ It's not like he knows how you feel._

Harry got up then and went to Ron's room, slamming the door behind him without meaning to, as the tears streamed down his cheeks. He buried his face in his pillow and cried. Lupin seemed to be _really_ enjoying that kiss. He would never, ever think of Harry in that way.

Someone knocked on the door then and Harry said, "Go away, Hermione, I don't care."

"It's not Hermione," Lupin's voice said, "it's Remus."

"Go away."

"No." Harry looked up and watched Lupin come in, then sit down on his bed. "Harry, I read your letter." Harry's eyes widened and he felt dizzy all of a sudden. Lupin actually knew. "No, Harry, you don't need to look like that. After you left, Hermione told me that you had probably left a letter for me, so I looked in my room and I found it. Harry, that was the most beautiful gift I've ever received."

Harry sat up then. "Really?"

Lupin smiled. "Really. And of course I'm not disgusted." Pure relief filled Harry and he hugged Lupin, sobbing into his chest and soaking his shirt with tears. "Harry, I have no idea why you would ever think I would be disgusted or why you would be afraid to tell me."

"I just thought it would ruin our friendship."

Lupin looked shocked. "Never, Harry," he said firmly. "Do you understand me?"

Harry nodded and smiled, hugging Lupin again. "I love you," he sighed into Lupin's chest. He had never felt so relieved in his life. "And it's okay if you don't return my feelings, Remus."

Lupin pulled back. "Harry," he said. "I do return your feelings."

* * *

**AN: Hahaha another cliffhanger! I love writing those :) Please review and thank you all who have favorited/followed/reviewed my story! Updates soon **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hijoshikina Kitsune nokage: Here's another chapter for you, I'm glad you like it! **

**Annekin: I'm glad that I got him in character, that's one of my problems when writing fan fiction. Cool! :) I hope I did a good job with this next chapter **

**lilyflower101: Thank you! :) hope you like this chapter! **

* * *

"But..." Harry trailed off, completely stunned. Lupin had feelings for him? He couldn't believe it. He didn't dare hope it could really be true. "Your kiss with Sirius-"

"Was a dare," Lupin finished. Harry realized for the first time, how physically close they were, and he gasped quietly. "It was nice, but I didn't feel anything but friendship for him. I don't love him like that, Harry."

Harry breathed a sigh of relief, letting go of all the jealousy. It had sucked feeling resentment towards Sirius, who he also loved. "I'm sorry I told you to go away," he apologized. "I was unnecessarily rude."

"Harry, it's all right. I likely would have done the same in your position," Lupin admitted, almost shyly.

"No, you wouldn't," Harry protested. "You're the nicest person I've ever met!" When he realized what he said, he blushed furiously.

Lupin just smiled. "That's good to hear," he murmured, looking deep into Harry's eyes. Harry felt warm all over.

Boldly, Harry leaned forward and pressed their lips together. Lupin gasped before quickly pulling away, but even that brief touch of lips had left Harry's mind reeling and his heart racing. He tried pulling Lupin to him again, but again the werewolf refused. "What's wrong?" Harry asked, feeling like he was missing something important here.

"Harry...I'm a werewolf," he said. "And much older than you...I was your professor-"

"I don't care about any of-"

But Lupin wouldn't let him finish. "I want you to seriously think about the privileges and consequences you would have if you and I were together. You're young, and I don't want to hold you back."

"You aren't," said Harry. "I love you. I want to be with you."

Lupin smiled. "I'm glad, Harry," he said. "But, please think about this first. If not for yourself, then for me."

Harry sighed in defeat. There wasn't much he wouldn't do for Lupin. "All right," he agreed. This was more than he'd dared hope for.

"I appreciate it, Harry." To his surprise, Lupin pulled him into a warm hug. "If you still want to be with me tomorrow, then we can talk."

"My feelings for you won't change, Remus," Harry answered. Lupin said no more, but smiled when Harry put his hand over the werewolf's.

They returned downstairs, where everyone was sipping butterbeer and still playing Truth or Dare. Harry sat down, and Lupin sat beside him - close beside him, surprising him again.

"Where've you guys been?" Ron asked Harry and Lupin. "You missed the awesome prank Fred and George played on Mum!"

Harry tried not to blush. Hermione sent him a questioning look, and he smiled widely. Her eyes widened in surprise and she smiled back. Talk later, she mouthed. Harry nodded. "What did you two do?" he asked the twins.

"We charmed a mirror so that a fake ghost would pop out and scare her," George laughed.

"It was awesome," Fred added.

"Wish I could've seen it," Harry said. He felt Lupin's arm wrap around his shoulders, and looked over at the man, surprised.

* * *

They stayed like that throughout the evening, watching the rounds of Truth or Dare and sometimes playing the game with everyone else. They ate dinner and played wizard's chess, and it was late by the time they went to sleep.

"Tonight was so fun," Harry said to Lupin as they went up the stairs to bed.

"Yes, it was." Lupin was grinning, a bit mischievously. Harry could tell he'd enjoyed their evening. "Well, goodnight Harry-"

"Er...wait," he said, shyly. "Can we sleep together tonight?" He blushed furiously, realizing what he'd said. "I - I mean, not like that, just - just sleeping-"

Lupin was laughing now. "Harry, relax, it's all right," he said, much to the younger man's relief. "While that sounds very nice, I don't want anything to influence the decision you have to make. Maybe another night, if you still want to."

"My decision's already been made, Remus." Frustrated, Harry stepped forward, close to the man, lacing their fingers together. "I. Love. You. And my feelings won't change, so get over it."

Lupin pulled Harry into a tight hug, almost squishing him. "I love you, too, Harry." Harry realized that was the first time he'd directly said that, and smiled against Lupin's shoulder. "And I...I really hope that you won't change your mind."

Harry was startled to see Lupin emotional all of a sudden. He leaned forward and pressed their lips together, happy when Lupin didn't pull away this time. Instead, Lupin pulled him closer, grabbing him around the waist as their lips brushed.

"What's going on?!"

Harry and Lupin instantly broke apart to find Ginny gawking at them, her eyes as big as dinner plates. They really should have chosen a less public place to make out. Harry sighed.

"Ginny - don't tell, please don't tell," he begged. "I'm sorry, but you're my friend and I would love if you agree to keep this secret, for now."

"It would be best," added Lupin. Harry quickly nodded in agreement.

"Okay," Ginny agreed, and Harry and Lupin both exchanged relieved glances. "But may I ask, when did this happen?"

"Just today," Harry said. "But I've been in love with him since we met."

"Oh." To Harry's surprise, Ginny smiled. "That's really sweet." Harry looked at Lupin, a bit shyly, to find an astonished look on his face. "Don't worry," she said. "Your secret's safe with me."

"That was unexpected," said Lupin after Ginny had gone to her room.

"Yeah, but that could have ended a lot worse than it did," Harry said.

"True." Lupin pulled Harry close, kissing him lightly on the lips. He stepped back and said, "Goodnight, Harry."

"Goodnight Remus." He went to his room then. He had a lot to think about tonight, and he knew he needed a good night's sleep.

* * *

**AN: I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long! Here's another chapter to make up for it :) I'll try to keep updating. Review please? Thanks to all who reviewed before, I love getting reviews. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Kaia Renkin: I'm so glad you like it! And I can see Remus being on the bottom, haha :) **

**lilyflower101: I know, right? ;) **

* * *

Harry didn't fall asleep for a long time. He lay awake with his thoughts and the company of Ron's snoring. Would Lupin really stick to their deal? Harry wished Lupin would give himself some more credit. He was an amazing person. And Harry told him that he didn't care Lupin was a werewolf. He loved that man unconditionally.

Morning came with a loud shriek - it took Harry a moment to realize Fred and George had just dumped a bucket of cold water on Ron. And in the middle of winter...Yikes. Harry was glad it wasn't him.

"I'm gonna bloody strangle you!" Fred and George laughed and high-fived as Ron stumbled out of bed. Grinning, Harry followed the brothers out into the hall, where Lupin was standing.

Harry blushed, nervous all of a sudden. "Good morning."

"You too, Harry," Lupin said with a cheerful smile, as he glanced down the hall where Ron was currently chasing the twins down the stairs. They were alone in the hall then, just Harry and Lupin. Harry's heart pounded. "Sleep well?"

"Never better," Harry answered honestly. "Remus, I still want to be with you." He walked up to Lupin and took both of his hands in his own. The older man looked startled at their sudden close proximity, but then smiled. "My feelings haven't changed since yesterday and they won't change tomorrow. I love you."

This time, it was Lupin who kissed him. Harry's heart swelled with happiness and love and he pressed against the other man, kissing back and wrapping his arms around Lupin's neck. "Come in here," Lupin gasped between kisses, pulling Harry into his bedroom. Harry was somewhat aware of the bedroom door shutting and locking, and this definitely didn't help with his nervousness. Lupin's arms wrapped around his waist and he tugged Harry closer, their kiss growing more passionate.

They didn't stop kissing for a long time. Reluctantly pulling away, Lupin said, "Everyone will wonder where we are."

"You're right," Harry sighed, though he could've stood there kissing Lupin all day. "What do you want to tell them? Anything?"

Lupin considered. "Maybe we should...It'll get out eventually, if we're serious about us."

"I know." Harry squeezed his hand, and Lupin smiled. "I've always been serious about you, Remus."

Lupin blushed and kissed Harry softly, then pulled him into a warm hug. "What did I ever do to deserve you?" he asked.

Harry smiled. "A lot of things," he answered. "You're amazing."

Lupin pulled back, a smile on his face as well. "I love you, Harry." He pressed another kiss to Harry's mouth.

They walked downstairs together, where everyone was eating breakfast and Ron was glaring at the twins. Harry sat down beside Lupin, lacing their fingers together. "Where've you been?" Ron asked. He turned his glare to Harry. "Thanks for your help getting away from those two this morning, Harry."

"What? It's not my fault!" Fred and George laughed. Lupin looked like he was trying to keep a straight face.

"Yes, it's hilarious," Harry groaned. He felt Lupin give his fingers a slight squeeze and then said, "Oh. Remus and I have something to share with everyone." He looked at Lupin to determine who would be breaking the news.

Lupin cleared his throat. "Harry and I are in love," he announced. "We are a couple now."

There were loud gasps from Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. The only people who'd known were Ron, Hermione, and Ginny, so everyone was pretty surprised. "But - but he used to be your professor!" Mrs. Weasley gasped.

"Exactly," Harry pointed out. "Used to be. Meaning not anymore. So it's not against the law."

"You're underage, both in the wizarding world and the Muggle world," Mr. Weasley added.

"So we'll keep it quiet until I turn eighteen," Harry suggested, recalling his and Lupin's earlier discussion about telling people. Who did that apply to? They hadn't discussed that much.

"What about the long distance?" Ginny pointed out.

"Huh?" asked Harry.

"We're just here for the holidays," she elaborated. "Remus isn't a teacher anymore. You'll have to go back to school in a week."

Harry's heart sank. That was one obstacle they both had completely overlooked. The broken-hearted look on Lupin's face mirrored Harry's emotions. He realized they had been so focused on "if we were a couple" more than "when we actually become a couple". "What are we going to do?!" Tears filled Harry's eyes.

"Don't worry, Harry," said Lupin reassuringly. "We'll figure something out." His voice was gentle and he barely noticed everyone's curious eyes on them as Lupin gently wiped away Harry's tears and pulled him close.

They ate in silence for the rest of the meal, Harry and Lupin's new obstacle seeming palpable in the air around them. Harry prayed, after all they'd been through to get to this point, that everything could work out between them.

"Why don't we go take a walk," Lupin said after they'd finished eating.

After dressing in their winter clothes, Harry followed him outside, the snow crunching under his shoes. He watched his breath in the air, the silence hanging over them like at the breakfast table. "What's going to happen now?"

"I don't know," Lupin answered honestly.

"I want to be with you so badly," Harry insisted. "More than anything in the world."

Lupin looked over at him in surprise. "Anything?"

Harry thought for a moment, realizing he'd meant his words. "Yes."

Lupin's smile warmed Harry despite the cold. "We'll think of something," he replied, tugging Harry towards him, close to him. "I want to be with you, too."

This time, he didn't care who might be watching as their lips brushed. Harry wrapped his arms around Lupin's waist, pulling him even closer, Lupin's lips soft and warm against Harry's. The kiss was slow and gentle, unlike their earlier make out session. Harry had a feeling, a good feeling, that their love was strong enough to be able to face whatever was to come.

* * *

**AN: Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it - review please? :) they do motivate me to update more **


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